My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
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Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
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I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
All the doctor said was why
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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