I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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