im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
