I haven't been this sober since birth.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
