you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's blow job season.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
