I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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