I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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