I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
