It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize