So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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