put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
