Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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