I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
