my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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