that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
