My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
