You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
