We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
