i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
