When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
