Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
