Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
