I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
