barbara walters just said penis...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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