I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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