$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
