You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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