you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
