you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
