you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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