in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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