he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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