theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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