who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
