How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
