I faked an abortion last night.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
