You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
