why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
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so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
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I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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