Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
