how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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