Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Enjoy the penises
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
