So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
