Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
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You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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