i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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