I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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