I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i've created a new STD.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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