just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
