Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
