I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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