its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
