today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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