I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
