I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
