a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
