I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
