Your dad touched me again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
